hey, erm, it was 'something' after all. yeah, sorry about that. i don't love you after all :/

is it really shit that i now know my blog is officially unpopular? no.

partly because:

a) it never was"popular" whatever that means.

b) now i can confess everything without fear of the person i am 'confessing' stumbling on this very post.

c) there is no 'c', but you can't just have an 'a' and 'b'.

my post about a month ago (maybe more, i have no sense of time or space anymore due to gcse's) 'I LOVE YOU. or something'. well, its kind of sad when that word is overused + i am a criminal of that very offence. i didn't love him at all. i was just hormonal + fell in love with any boy who gave me a wink and got me drunk at a party. yes, at the time he was spectacular, + articulate, + beautiful + charming + sensitive.

but he's not.

he's actually slightly neurotic + badly behaved. not even in a sexy-riding-motorbike-dark haired-cheating, lying-yet-irresistible-scum kind of badly behaved. just annoyingly-incessantly-'lets-throw-rubbers-at-the-back-of-your-head'-childishly-overwhelmingly badly behaved.

so not great to be honest.

+ laugh it up, roll your eyes and sigh at my tragically pathetic life, but i think i love my best friend. no. don't hit the 'x', it's not a girl. he's a boy. and he's practically married with a house in the country. he may aswell be, that's how far him + his girlfriend are in their year + a half relationship. bear in mind he's 16, 17 in september. oh god, this is tragic.

but he is, and it took me until a party on saturday (29th) to figure it out + once i had i decided to drunkenly shout it out and tell everyone in a 5 mile radius of my discovery.

but i do.

and its so so very sad.

we were all very drunk, and he left the party to go to the newsagent to buy more drinks for me + him and it suddenly hit me in all my intoxicated madness. he's just a boy version of me. there's not much to it really. and he's with his girlfriend who is slightly miserable + depressive, she rarely smiles + whenever i somehow decide to spend some time with them, she's insulting him + abusing him or telling him to fuck off. so basically, she's a real find.

no.

he deserves so much better.i loved him alot before as a friend obvs. but now i just notice things. when he cups hold of my face it's not just as a friend messing about, i read things into it + start believing that he's doing it because he wants a reason to touch me. or when he tell's me i'm 'gorgeous', i make out that this is more than just him being my best friend and simply appreciating the effort i've made. and that's all it is. he's just being my best friend. the same way he's always been.

+ on Saturday i somehow realised that his girlfriend + i actually have a nice bond. only because of him of course, but at one point she was looking for him + she came running drunkenly to me and we went off together to find him. that was as far as our 'friendship' got but i did discover that she's not so bad.

and it was weird because somehow i seemed to spend more time with him than she did, + i realised that that always happened when we were out, but i'd just never noticed it because i'd never realised my feelings for him. GAAAAAAD! i'm such a mess. i should be sent away somewhere.

oh, and then i needed to pee- the bladder doesn't know what to do when it's filled with malibu- and he went with me (not into the toilet of course, just outside the door) + there was a queue so he said he was going back out into the party, not leaving completely + going home but just walking a few metres away. but he still pulled me in for a hug, and kissed me on the cheek. not just a peck, but a weirdly long one which i made a big deal of + my mind started to jump around and run in circles and do head stands- + that wasn't the alcohol.

and now we're on study leave + its quite gay because you actually have to study because the people in my school actually want to study? :/ and therefore we don't go out during weekdays much. i don't even love him. maybe i'm just starting to appreciate how amazing he is, and have stopped taking our friendship for granted now that i don't see him everyday (study leave).

maybe we should kidnap her. (the girlfriend).

or maybe i should go to bed + shut up.

bonsoir

p.s i have officially (or unofficially, considering this blog is not official as no one reads it, sigh)decided that the title of every post will now be a song lyric. a song i like atm of course.