GAHH. take me to your kingdom. and ravish me.

found my new latest, sexy obsession in the beautifully haunting form of,
ian somerhalder
look at his eyes.
seriously, just stare at them.
how is he even real?
was he made, or was he carved out of gold, shone down by a beam of glorious light.
i mean, ofc robert pattinson is stunning
but rob, sit down for a minute,
yeah...rob just bend down for a sec,
no, rob, okay, just move out the way will you? like now.
ian's behind you.
and his eyes are making me nauseous D:
in a totally amazing way.
no paracetomol necessary.
<3

au revoir.
;)

nice weather, eh?

haven't 'blogged' in a while.
have been SO rightly busy. and i say rightly because ive been revising and working, and going out as a 'privilege' and so indulgences like watching gossip girl online and 'blogging' have been ignored.
and ofc, looking for a prom dress, which im still doing. and found my actual dream dress today, and came home and realised my best friend had it. and now i hate her, only im pretending i love her, and i love her in it, even though i dont.
and then i feel like a bitch for thinking that.
and then i dont, because i want my dress.
huhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
(sigh)
feeling slightly unfulfilled atm.
ive been so great this week, like on a total high.
went to amsterdam, saw anne frank and all that jazz.
fell in love with this dutch boy who i met at this museum, but he didnt speak english.
so it sort of failed.
epically.
but he was stunning.
and we kept smiling at each other when we kept meeting during the tour.
it was lovely <3
he was lovely <3

isn't it weird how you can meet someone, know nothing about them & then miss them when you know you will never see them again.
god, im so depressing.
this is such a ramble, but i know why its a ramble.
its a ramble because im unfulfilled.
and im unfulfilled because i feel needy.
and i feel needy because i have no 'significant other'.
like a boyf.
like a boyfriend.
:(
and its not like im desperate.
like i'll have anyone who gives me a thumbs up.
because thats the problem, i wont.
im fussy, im picky and intense, and he has to be my definiton of lovely <3
and thats not the most beautiful guy in the world, with the nicest abs, and nicest...cheek bones? just lovely <3.
someone who can make the sun shine even when its raining outside.
in my head, anyway.
like the boy from the museum only accesible.
and i cant seem to find him, vice versa.
huhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

(sigh)

i feel like the only singleton in a world of married inbreds.
only im 16, i shouldnt feel like this already.
yes, when im 30, and lonely, and single, and fat and working in an office, and cellibate for a year, then i can feel like this, and no one can argue with me.
but now,
its like, i have so many other things on,
yet they mean nothing.
well they mean something, but not enough compared to this.
and its not even that im lonely, because im not.
i have the best friends, family & what not around me.
i have boys as best friends, weirdos, and boys who think i like them and text me incessantly.
only to be loved, you have to feel loved.
and its hard to feel loved if the feeling is one-sided.
yes, so he says i'm this & im that.
so?
so what?
it means nothing when he says it.
because its him.
i want someone else to say it.
someone who will fulfill me.
and be lovely <3

anyway.
nice weather, eh? ;)

I LOVE YOU. or something.

I love him.

and i've said this before, in fact many times.
in fact i'm sure i've said this about many young men hundreds of times before.
but this is weird.

because i've never noticed how much before.
he's not exactly my type.
yet somehow he is.
if i saw him in oxford street, i wouldn't suddenly think 'oh lord, theres a tasty looking thing if ever i saw one'.
yet now, suddenly he's jude law, only with darker hair and a bigger smile ( and a bit shorter).
i love him.
i love you.
and i think you know that, and i think you know how close we've gotten lately.
and how that night, if I hadn't been so drunk, and unable to function and gone home, that we would have sat hugging and talking and lying together all night. and then we would have walked away together- like we did before on that other night, when you kissed me softly on the cheek and i saw you clearly for the first time- and something more would have happened.
i think you know that theres something between us.
thats why you keep nudging me and calling me 'weird' and ' an actual mess' whenever I pass you (hardly romantic, i know).
that's why i find you staring at me and smiling when i catch your eye.
that's why in PE, you keep starting up playfights and pulling my trousers down (again, unromantic).
that's why when we stopped messing about, you pulled my legs over yours and held them for a moment, before i went all awkward and pulled myself away.
it was silly, and uncomfortable and lovely.
maybe, i don't love you.
maybe it's stupid.
but it's something.
and i feel it more than anything, even if it is nothing at all.
even if all this is just my mind wanting you to feel the same.
is it me, or is it real?
i hope it is.
because this something feels so much more than nothing ever did.
<3>

hate is a strong word. but i really dont like this.

i HATE being in on any night,
especially one in the holidays where there is no school the next morning and i could easily be out, with my beloved vodka.
i know that sounds so bad, but why lie...i get drunk, quite a lot. and i enjoy it.
but yes...last day of term, and guess where I am.
this is no internet cafe. i am at home. :(
gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.
i actually had the option to go to this boy's party/gathering/chance to get pissed tonight, and was begged, but as usual, the parental units stepped in with their authority and cowboy rops to draw me back in, just when i thought that at sixteen, i was finally flying the nest.


the excuse this time :'thats a dangerous part of london he lives in, we don't want you going out and getting stabbed'.
im being serious.
don't they realis?
sure there's black on black crime and racist stabbings and what not in east london.
but i'm a girl. girls dont get stabbed.
its only the boys that get stabbed.
:/
(oh dear, what a deadly looking instrument)

still, here I am, pissed off and needing a drink.
somehow tomorrow night seemes so so far awayyy D:

au revoir.
or should I say
Auf wiedersehen!
due to my expedition to holland next week ;)

<3>