I LOVE YOU. or something.

I love him.

and i've said this before, in fact many times.
in fact i'm sure i've said this about many young men hundreds of times before.
but this is weird.

because i've never noticed how much before.
he's not exactly my type.
yet somehow he is.
if i saw him in oxford street, i wouldn't suddenly think 'oh lord, theres a tasty looking thing if ever i saw one'.
yet now, suddenly he's jude law, only with darker hair and a bigger smile ( and a bit shorter).
i love him.
i love you.
and i think you know that, and i think you know how close we've gotten lately.
and how that night, if I hadn't been so drunk, and unable to function and gone home, that we would have sat hugging and talking and lying together all night. and then we would have walked away together- like we did before on that other night, when you kissed me softly on the cheek and i saw you clearly for the first time- and something more would have happened.
i think you know that theres something between us.
thats why you keep nudging me and calling me 'weird' and ' an actual mess' whenever I pass you (hardly romantic, i know).
that's why i find you staring at me and smiling when i catch your eye.
that's why in PE, you keep starting up playfights and pulling my trousers down (again, unromantic).
that's why when we stopped messing about, you pulled my legs over yours and held them for a moment, before i went all awkward and pulled myself away.
it was silly, and uncomfortable and lovely.
maybe, i don't love you.
maybe it's stupid.
but it's something.
and i feel it more than anything, even if it is nothing at all.
even if all this is just my mind wanting you to feel the same.
is it me, or is it real?
i hope it is.
because this something feels so much more than nothing ever did.
<3>